I'm forcing myself to write this post. Nothing in me feels inspired, and I haven't felt inspired for days...maybe a week. Something's wrong. I can feel it. Yes, there are a few major things happening in my life right now. My husband's grandma--the matriarch of his family--just passed away and next weekend's funeral is looming. There are also some health issues in my extended family that have my anxiety working overtime; but I know how to manage anxiety. What I'm feeling is more than that.
My current emotional state harkens back to how I felt last year: A sense of aimlessness. A deep seated discontent with where I'm at in life. On my best day this week, I went through the motions and checked everything off my to-do list. On my worst, I wasted too much time on social media or other things that don't matter, argued with my husband, yelled at my kids and felt like a failure...the worst wife, mother, friend, teacher. EVER.
Before you start sending me notes about how I should give myself grace or how I AM a good wife, mother, friend, teacher, etc., know this: I'M NOT LOOKING FOR YOUR PITY. I know what's wrong. I know that I have NO ONE to blame but myself, and I know how to stop feeling this way.
Sending out a warning signal
I spent part of last Friday touring Piedras Blancas Lighthouse. At one point, the tour manager mentioned that most modern lighthouses weren't used to guide ships into port. They were used to warn mariners of hazards like rocks and reefs.
The feelings I've experienced this past week are my lighthouse. They are my warning that if I continue going in the same direction, something bad will happen. What are they warning me against, exactly? These feelings are telling me that I've neglected the most important relationship in my life--the only relationship that really matters and the one relationship I need to fight for the most: My relationship with God.
I'm never quite sure how it happens, but I think it has to do with being busy and putting too much emphasis on things that don't matter and working hard to achieve something (that probably doesn't matter either) or trying to impress the wrong people. All of a sudden, I look up and a few days have gone by without spending time in prayer or reading my Bible or listening to a sermon. Or, if I have done those things, they've been done out of habit, not a desire to truly connect with the ONE who gives me life.
The deterioration of my relationship with God is often a slow fade. And I'm always the one who does the fading.
There is a reason that Jesus called himself the vine and referred to us as the branches. In that same breath, He said: "apart from me, you can do nothing" (John 15:5). In a very literal sense, if a branch is disconnected from the vine, it withers. It doesn't bear fruit. It's useless.
At times when I'm feeling disconnected, unproductive and useless, it's almost always because I'm not being intentional in my relationship with God. My internal lighthouse is flashing. It's up to me to decide whether to heed its warning and change course.
So, how do I change course? Sadly, I've cut myself off from the vine enough times in my relationship with God to know how to "fix" the problem. At a very basic level, to mend a broken relationship with God, I do what I'd do to fix an earthly relationship: I PRIORITIZE our time together.
But this time I don't just want to "fix" things. This time, I want to fight. I firmly believe that I am engaged in a battle for my heart and my mind. Satan would love nothing more than for me to get distracted and discouraged and give up on my relationship with God--or, perhaps even worse, to be ok with a mediocre spiritual life.
I am not a quitter and I hate feeling average, so why should my relationship with God be any different.
Earlier today, in an effort to begin that reconnection with God, I listened to a sermon by Priscilla Shirer titled "How to Win the Battle." In it, she lays out three ways to fight a spiritual battle. I won't give away all three of her points because the sermon is worth listening to; but I will share one of them.
The first way to win a spiritual battle is to hit your knees and thank God for the victory.
I don't know how long it will take to start "feeling better" about myself and where I'm at in life; but I do know that God is bigger than my feelings. Today, I'm hitting my knees and thanking the one who triumphed over death, for the LIFE He is going to breathe into my soul.
No matter where you're at in your relationship with God, don't get discouraged. If I've learned anything over the past thirty four years, it's that a solid relationship with God makes all other relationships fall into place. It truly is the one relationship worth fighting for.
My Go-To Resources For Mending My Walk With God
2.) New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp- This short but impactful daily devotional is perfect for busy mornings when I've got to get out the door but want to center my heart and mind before the day starts.
4.) The Audio Bible App- Sometimes there's a scripture I want to memorize or meditate on. So, I'll find it in the app and put it on repeat in the car as I drive.
5.) The Read Scripture App- If you're looking to read through the entire Bible, this is a great way to do it. The app gives you three chapters and a Psalm to read per day and provides videos that set the stage for the historical context of the chapters you're about to read and how those chapters fit into the larger story that God is telling through the Bible.